psy·cho
noun
slang term for a person suffering from chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behavior.
synonyms:madman, madwoman, maniac, lunatic, psychotic, sociopath; More
em-path
noun
(chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.
Yes, I know psychopath is already a word but I'm being creative and pretending like I'm mushing these two words together. Work with me and see where I'm going.
Psycho...
Let me clear the name of (probably) most "psychos" and say, by definition, we aren't all violent in ways one might expect. Although violent tendencies can be accurate, it isn't usually a clear-headed, malicious attack toward someone. When I'm violent in mania it is always because I am inside a delusion and I'm just trying to protect myself and what my delusions are telling me are 100% fact.
One example is when I was burning my family photos the morning I was hospitalized for my 3rd manic episode. My friend, Lindsay, was there and she started dousing the pictures with water. I got inches from her face and yelled as loud as I could. I remember the look on her face. She startled. I scared her. Some part deep inside me, very deep inside me, felt bad that I hurt her. My delusional mission was too strong to make any other decisions. What she didn't know was I thought I had to burn the men in the family photos to free all the women in my family. All women in the world. I thought she knew that and that she was trying to stop the process because she was being brainwashed by my male psychiatrist, whom she was on the phone with. I thought he was telling her to put the fires out. Men controlling women and mind control in general are common delusions in Bipolar 1. She hung up and called the cops. Once I felt I had burned everything I needed to, including my Grandfathers funeral pamphlet, I was calm. I held muddy, ashy, paper in my trembling hands and I felt complete serenity. My mission was complete and I could move on.
Empath...
I used to think the things that happened to me as an empath were signs that I was about to go into mania. On a regular basis, I can see things inside people's eyes. It almost exclusively happens in the dark. This "thing" started when I was about 17 years old but was dormant until about 25. In the past 3 years or so it has built and built and built. A persons whole face will change. It seems like a hallucination. If they say something malicious I see a fire ignite inside them. Sometimes their eyelids close from left to right like a snake. Sometimes I get so scared that I have to not only walk away from conversations, but run away. I've left parties and once I get away I have to convince myself that I'm going to make it through the night. Once that door is open, it won't close for awhile.
I used to think it meant that person was evil. Now I've come to realize I'm seeing the persons pain. I can see when someone is suffering. I can feel that suffering. Sometimes I can even predict what the person is going through.
Mental illness and being an empath play off of each other. If I haven't had good sleep or am already mentally topsy turvy my empath side comes out to play.
But it isn't all gloom and doom.
Sometimes in the light of day or in the peaceful stillness of a special night, I see the beauty unfold in someone's face. When I see someone thriving, I feel someone thriving. I can share their joy. They give that to me.
I've had people tell me they wish they could "take it all away." My dad said if he could take my bipolar he would. But he would be robbing me of my wonderful identity as a human. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is amazing.
As someone with Bipolar 1, I am able to see into other worlds of dark and light because I experience detrimental depressions and mighty, magnificent manias. What I see in myself I can see in you. As an empath, I do the exact same. Don't take this away from me. I am on my path. My psycho path.