So it happened...
I smoked marijuana. I justified my actions. 1. I was anxious. 2. I had not had any in awhile so I deserved a break/reward. 3. I thought it through. 4. It was only 2 hits. 5. Blah blah blah reasons reasons. I told others I wasn't disappointed in myself but deep down I think I was. I am.
So now what?
Turns out I get to learn a new set of skills I wouldn't have had I not smoked:
1. Practicing what I preach by being gentle with myself.
2. Let go of my pride when people ask me how it has been going with the weed-free year.
3. Get back on the horse as to not give up just because I already broke my promise.
4. Not assume others are judging me or that they feel disappointed.
The good thing is, I got out of this what I set out to get out of it. I was away from this long enough to know that I feel a loneliness, I'm lower than I realized and I CAN manage my anxiety without weed. There have been feelings that I'd rather just bury again.
Yes. I scooped up some more dirt to cover some feelings up. But now I'm getting back down on my knees to get my hands in the soil. While I'm there I think I'll plant something new...hopefully not pot plants.